The story of Lois the 1930s taxidermy freshwater crocodile
A few months ago, I bought a taxidermy freshwater crocodile at a church jumble sale. Paid $5.
She had needle-point teeth and a warning look in her eye. Nevertheless, I took her home but could not bring myself to display her as an ornament on my lounge room shelf: there was something near living about her, and at some primeval level, I feared that, at any moment, she might snap out of her coma and bite me on the ankle.
So I put her up for sale on ebay.
I named her Lois and, through ebay, she received a few propositions.
When I first posted her on the ebay site, I mistakenly listed her as a saltwater croc. Wrong. Salties are an enormous animal over three metres long and way too big to send through the post. Lois is 90 cm long, and weighs a dainty 800g.
Someone was quick to correct me. I received an email saying: 'Lois, you are a freshwater croc.'
Here's how Lois described herself for the ebay auction. She opened her listing with this arresting title:
'Pay ransom to free 1930s taxidermy freshwater crocodile
Please buy me! My name is Lois, and I am a genuine freshwater crocodile (taxidermy) and I am being held against my will.
Only a generous ransom will set me free. So – bid up.
I can understand why anyone would kidnap me. I have gorgeous come-hither eyes, but if you come near, I also have very sharp teeth.
My tail curls like a whip, and people travel for miles just to come and admire it.
If you pay up, I will be very grateful. I will come and live with you and make you happy.
Although I am actually 91cm long, I am set in a very becoming curve, so I will require about 60cm of shelf space, preferably white, with a white background, to show off my particularly fine crocodile skin.
I don’t care to share my shelf space with anything else, although I would not object to a fish tank stocked with a variety of juicy meals.
Although a lady does not like to talk about her age, I would guess I am from the 1930s or 1940s. I have been preserved for future generations through the miracle of taxidermy, the details of which I will spare you. Enough to say that I have a scar along my belly, with stitches, to prove that my innards were removed and replaced with something more hygienic.
NOTE FROM OWNER: Lois is prone to exaggeration (although not about the fish). She will not admit it, but the years have taken their toll. While the texture of her back is as superb as any handbag, the complexion under her chin and around her neck is not what it was when she was in the wild. You can see a few ashen patches in the photos, around the neck and chin. However, she would not be averse to a little restoration. And yes, like all taxidermy crocs, a few of her toes are loose.
DELIVERY: Lois is fragile. Pickup would be good, and I could arrange to meet the buyer for delivery in Sydney. If she must be posted to other cities or countries, Lois would like to talk to her new owner about how she will travel. She will tell you that she only flies first class.'
END OF SALES PITCH.
The next day, an email arrived for Lois.
Hello there!
I am living with George, a male freshwater croc who is constantly nagging me about some "female friend" he can chew his Barbies with. George arrived safely via Greyhound from Queensland, nicely wrapped up in bubble wrap. George (being 135 cm long and weighing around 3 kilos) travelled for 19 Dollars, and according to him, it wasn't "too bad at all".So I wonder whether mildly spoiled Lois would object to being treated the same way, to be met by me and George in Darwin, in case she'd choose to live with us? Marlene
MY REPLY TO MARLENE WAS AS FOLLOWS:
Marlene,
Lois is over the moon that she would have a companion, especially a big hunk like George. She is much smaller than George, weighing in at 800g, and I think that registered postage Sydney/Darwin would be around the $20 mark. Packaging would be free, as I already have a box (and lots of bubble wrap) which will contain Lois, although she is pouting because it does not have a bar fridge.
Lois sends her warmest regards to George.
cheers, wandagirl
MARLENE REPLIED BY RETURN EMAIL:
Hi wandagirl,
George is simply besides himself (in a male, understated way), he wants me to let Lois know that he actually has a bar fridge (he suggested I send it down for her journey, but for various reasons I had to disappoint him).
Now have to work on MY strategy to make sure Lois will be living with US very soon.
George says "HI".
Marlene
NOTE: Marlene's bidding strategy did not work. The winning bid ($92.09) came in a few seconds before the auction ended, and Lois went to Melbourne to live, I hope, in the luxury she felt she deserved.
